You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
no their not
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.