CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Saturday
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
oppen heimer style lol
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.