Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Someone just gave me half a peace sign.

weird

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.

Girl: yes baby, punish me.

Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.