CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
You Might Also Like
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Respect
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ