CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern