Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

They’re the worst 😩

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

When news reporters do sports stories

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

No, YOUR illiterate.

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

Any time a child tries to guess my age.