@Jake_Vig

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

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@sixfootcandy

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

@WildeThingy

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@sarcasticmommy4

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

@atanenhaus

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

@Doublelife64

Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet

Outsmarted again.

@TweetsByKaylee

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

@Rollinintheseat

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

@SCbchbum

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.