*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Yes my dude
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow