Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

🤯🤯🤯

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Life hack

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

Oddly specific

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.