Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

My dad is at it again

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)