Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

They also CAN sing✌️

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse