[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
lmao
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting