Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The booster protects against what, now?

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Why is everyone getting married at me

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

🎵 I can’t wait to

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

the girlies are turning into genghis khan

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”