Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

How actors in movies eat their food

There is wisdom there.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!