Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.

Trickle down treatonomics.

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance