Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

me after drinking all the wine:

It will always be this

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”