[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.