[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Only a mother’s love …
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?