Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

bat life

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff