Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

*on walkie-talkies

Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically

Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola