Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

🛁

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.