Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Cheers Twitter.