[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
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Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
How dude HOW?!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.