[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back