Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.