Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Brilliant!

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?

In a pewpewpew

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.