[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Autocarrot sucks!
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.