@captainkalvis

CRIME SCENE

me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires

british officer: what about that bloody fork

me: this is no time to eat sir

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@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@SortaBad

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

@iwearaonesie

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@OVLH

I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.

@iinkedZombie

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

@Mothpete

I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.