Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires
british officer: what about that bloody fork
me: this is no time to eat sir
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Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.