me: four dots in his neck, i suspect two vampires

british officer: what about that bloody fork

me: this is no time to eat sir

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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”


Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever


What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since


Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.


I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.


[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!


I just sprayed hair glitter onto a fly instead of insect spray. Not dead… but pretty fly.


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.