Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
? 💀
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat