Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.