Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Wife: “Notice anything?”

Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”

Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose