[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent