[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people