Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets