Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.