Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.