Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

ㅤ

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

honey, bring out the fine china.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.

when someone compliments me

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Omg like wtf
-me, praying

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.