Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:

1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge

fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”