Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.