Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

If you need a laugh.. 😅

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

yall want some gasoline milk

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.