@Shen_the_Bird

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

You Might Also Like

@Laser_Cat

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

@jjhartinger

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

@DurtMcHurtt

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

@kumailn

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.

@MatticusFinch1

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

@koala_hugs

a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you’re supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot

@Parentpains

And I thought I had issues. – Me, 36 seconds after signing up on twitter.

@WSiefford

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.