criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”