criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
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What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!