Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

Stop blaming yourself for everything. Learn Feng Shui and blame the fucking furniture

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world

Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.