Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

[INFOMERCIAL]

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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.