Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

I think the cat got the dog high.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again