[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”