Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

*bites zombie*

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

Me too 😆

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.