[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
God, I love Scotland
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
December birthdays be like…
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”