Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
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Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
making sure he doesnt get away
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.