Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

🖤✌🏽

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.