Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE