Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.