Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I put the I in Insufferable.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Limited budget
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes