Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.