Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
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When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
79.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
plant them where lol
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
make up your mind
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet