Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
my astrological sign is a french fry
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
that colleague who touches your screen
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
How dramatic are you?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.