Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.