Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.