Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Well, that didn’t work.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.