Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

can i punch you in the face but like romantically?

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.