crochet youtube is brutal
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
#Caturday
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room