crochet youtube is brutal
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my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
me
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The days of good grammer has went
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
