crochet youtube is brutal
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Alexa turn off the planet
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
it is time once again
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.