Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[montage of me giving-up]