Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is the news I live for

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured