Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location