“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
this will hang in the louvre one day
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Who chose this font
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.