“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Orange cat behavior 😂
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.