“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
this is a sign that you need a union
