“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.