Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son