Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.

“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”

“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us