Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.