Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
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Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1