Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]